INTEGRITY

Whenever I’ve got a big flight exam or test coming up I like to complain about it to my friends and ask my family for prayers. I am usually super stressed and talking about it helps. And a lot of the time they tell me something like,  “You’ll do fine, you always do.” Or, “Just relax, you got this.” And it DRIVES ME CRAZZZYYYY!! I don’t “got this”. I feel like all people see is the success. They don’t see the failures, which are twice as many. They don’t see the times I’ve tried so hard and come up short. The times I threw the book across the room and laid on the bed face down. Or the times I drove home from the airport during flight training nearly in tears because I felt like I’d never get it or I was too stupid. Or the time I nearly quit mid-flight and told Marcus to fly us back because I was done. They don’t realize that the only way “I got this” is to work my butt off. There have been plenty of times when I didn’t put in the required effort and the result was less than desirable. Sometimes they say, “I bet if you took it right now you’d pass with a 70%”. In my mind I punch them in the gut. Nothing gets the negative self-talk going like phoning it in and doing much worse than I am capable of. The only way I can feel good about it is to over-prepare. In school, my mom used to tell me to shoot for 100% and settle for 90%. That never made sense to me. I would always calculate how many assignments and papers I could skip to squeak by with a 90. And a lot of times I ended up with an 80 and I would be disappointed. I just can’t do that anymore. I don’t think passengers want a pilot who just went in and took it and squeaked by with a 70.  And I certainly couldn’t live with myself. When I won the award for outstanding 1^st year flight student, I was blown away. I had no idea where I was in comparison to the rest of the students. And when I won again for outstanding graduate, I was honored. But mostly I felt like a phony. All I could think about were my shortcomings. The times I gave it less than 100%. And there was sooooo much I didn’t know. Flying for SeaPort the last 2 years has taught me so much. And there is still loads to learn and perfect. But getting this job with Pinnacle (Delta Connection) has given me a renewed sense of confidence in my flying. I’m finally getting that chip off my shoulder. I know what I know. I’m a good pilot. I’m a safe pilot. And there is plenty of time for growing.