I WEAR MY SUNGLASSES

I’m so mad at sunglasses right now. I’ve had like 60 pair in the last year and a half and all have failed me. First there were the Smith Shelter.

Then I found out they were for big heads and realized how ridiculous they looked on me so I sold them to Brady Pearson since he has a huge melon. Then I got the gold framed Smith Serpico. 

These are about the stupidest, blingiest things ever. They are huuuuge and cheaply made. The screw holding the whole thing together fell out while I was in Costa Rica. So I traded them in for the silver ones (less bling). Screw fell out on this pair in Mexico about half the time of the gold ones. These still live in the center console of my truck with one lens popped out due to the missing screw. Such a bad design. By this time I was fed up and went back to my 1999 Oakley super machismo glasses. They have lived in the glove box of 2 of my cars and now my truck for the past 8 years (no case) and I can’t find even one scratch on the lenses. They just look horrendous. So I decided to quit fooling around and go with the benchmark of quality aviator glasses, Ray Ban. My girlfriend at the time was nice enough to buy them for my birthday. Ain’t that sweet? Well when I opened the box I had to fake excitement because they were waaaay too big and heavy and slid off my face…even after I had adjusted them. So I gave them to a friend who has a slightly bigger face hoping he’d wear those instead of the super cheese ball Ray Bans he found at the park and I bought the small version of the Ray Ban aviator. 

Ugggghnnn! Waaaay too small. The arms have to be bent out to fit around my already skinny log-shaped head (just call me loghead). And the coverage is horrible. They let so much light in I’m constantly getting headaches from squinting. They’re almost as heavy as the large size and also slide down the nose. I hated pushing them back up like nerds with pocket protectors and the top button buttoned up. Then the nose piece broke off when I was trying to adjust them. Sugar! (fake cuss word). I can’t catch a break. So I splurged and went all out and got the Maui Jim Kapalua frames. 

I was never a fan of rimless sunglasses, especially since this happened:  

But these are so sick! They are light and stay in place, coverage is good and they look spectacular. However, they are fragile and the lenses scratch easily and Maui Jim's polarization isn't nearly as good as Smith Optics and Oakley and it's impossible to keep fingerprints off them, but I was willing to live with all that. A few weeks ago as I was getting into the plane I completely smashed them. They have been mostly bent back into place but they are still crooked. And I am angry. And the lenses are a little too dark for my taste. When I take them off after wearing them for a while I feel like I’ve been out of touch with reality or like I can breathe again after being underwater. To add to the madness, my good friend John Frey gave me a super sweet, super expensive pair of Giro cycling glasses.

They are so dope. Problem is, they don’t sit close enough to my face and every single ride I am getting dirt and mud in my eyes. And I won't even mention the sweet Giro pair I appropriated from Jacob in Mexico when the Smith's broke...

 ...then lost. Or the white ones Blake got free with a snowboard purchase and gave me...

...which I left in a gas station bathroom in Olympia, Washington changing for Baktash and Layli's wedding. I think I’m just gonna start wearing a welder’s helmet. Or maybe I’ll get tinted contacts. If  you’re still reading this rant, God bless you.