DEAR MOM

When I was 13, I was very small for my age. Only Brandon Ewing was smaller than I was. And what was worse, I had a very sensitive stomach and couldn't eat most foods. And so I think my mom was worried for me that I wouldn't grow up and be a strong, tough man like my dad. I got picked on a lot mostly because I was a smart ass and had a mouth on me and wasn't afraid of making the bigger guys feel stupid, even if they beat the crap out of me afterward. I played baseball and so did my older brother but we were on different teams. I played with the 13 year-olds and him with the fourteen and fifteens. Well one day they were short one player and were going to have to forfeit. I was there with my glove of course, as always. So they gave me a jersey that was way too big for me and put me on 2nd base and batting last in the lineup. My brother was at shortstop as usual and he was very good. By the third inning all of our batters had been struck out, 3 at a time, and I was to be the last out. As I walked up to the plate the crowd began to laugh because I was so small, especially compared to the other kids, and the baggy uniform only made it worse. The first pitch came, I had never seen anything that fast before and I jumped back. And they laughed again. The second one came exactly the same. I couldn't believe it. I stepped out of the batter's box and looked up at my mom. She was standing with her hands on her mouth. I heard her say, "C'mon Jamie, you're not going to hit anything if you don't swing the bat." I looked down the 3rd base line at the coach. He gave me a couple claps, not expecting much, and I stepped back into the box. The 3rd pitch came just like the other two and I took a swing and smashed the ball over the right fielder's head. A stand-up double. I looked back at the stands and my mom was jumping up and down and clapping. She was so excited. And for a minute I thought maybe she wouldn't worry about me so much.

 Mom on the left and my brothers and I wearing our baseball team jackets (I'm giving the thumbs up). 

TRUE LOVE

A few years ago I saw a movie called 'The Devil And Daniel Johnston'. It chronicles the struggles of a mentally ill artist and musician.  

It has had a profound impact on me. I think about his songs often. They are simple, almost to a fault, but from the heart. Today it finally dawned on me why I can't get his story out of my head. He's the ultimate underdog! He has pursued his art for many, many years in the face of brutal torture from within. Each man's hell is different, but his is up and behind his face. At one point in his life, while riding as a passenger in his father's small airplane, he turned the engine off and threw the keys out of the window forcing his father to make a crash landing into the forest below. But through it all he has expressed himself. The beautiful bits as well as the ugly ones. Just as Bukowski said of Fante, his "pure and magic emotions hang on the simple clean line." This one is my favorite, although it's a little late for Valentine's Day.

He recorded his early songs with nothing more than a dictation tape recorder placed near his keyboard or guitar. You can hear how raw these recordings were in 'Story Of An Artist', for example.

The courage of this man is what gets me. Most people don't understand the courage it takes for people with his affliction just to get out of bed in the morning, shave, pay bills, sit in traffic, much less stand up in front of a crowd of people and share their art. And yet he has, and he's created something timeless, with the crudest of tools. 

Thank you for the inspiration Daniel Johnston.

THROUGH THE MANGROVES

Things at work were going much worse than I had planned. To get this job I waited for half a year, virtually homeless, sleeping on a gracious friend's couch and living out of a single duffel bag. During that waiting time I got a job valet parking cars at a restaurant making minimum wage. I couldn't pay my rent let alone buy food. To keep from starving I took the leftover bread rolls when the servers put them by the trash at the end of the night. The bread and the one meal per shift we were allowed kept me going, except for the nights when I was so busy it seemed like I ran for the entire 8 hours fetching cars. Once I had the job I waited and worked so hard for, I realized it was nothing like I had hoped. I was miserable and seriously questioning my life decisions when Matt and Amanda asked me to perform their wedding ceremony. It was to be on the beach in Tulum, Mexico. I was speechless. Honored. Sometimes you have no idea how loved you are.

On the day the women were to visit the spa, the men had a guided fishing trip planned, but it was out of my budget so I wasn't planning on going. Matt's dad Steve and I had developed a deep friendship in a few short years and somehow he knew how badly I needed this, even more so than I did. He had decided that I was going even if he had to pay for it, and that was it. That night I slept in a hammock on the beach. We struck out before dawn and drove on a jeep road for nearly two hours to Punta Allen. It's the most beautiful, serene place I've ever seen, nearly untouched by modern civilization. Our guide Juan took us in the boat a few miles across the bay and had us get out into water that was astonishingly warm and only waist deep! You could literally watch the schools of fish come and go the water was so clear and blue. After a few hours he took us around the point and through mangrove channels that were perfectly carved out of the jungle. In most places it was like a mangrove tunnel. And after a few minutes of ducking branches and slowly navigating these narrow channels, it would open up into a wide area of shallow water they call "flats" and we'd be traveling at full speed. To me, it was something out of a Gabriel Garcia Marquez novel. I couldn't keep myself from shivering. The effect on me was manifesting itself physically, yet it felt like a movie. In a few short days I went from the environs of misery, hunger, self-doubt and anxiety to those of awe, peace, tranquility and inspiration. I cannot begin to tell you what an effect this can have on a man's spirit.

I think about Steve all the time although we don't talk very often. I hope he doesn't have too difficult a time with the images of war that must plague him. And one day I hope he knows how his gesture helped lift the spirits of a man that was nearly broken.

 
Steve with a beautiful fish.

That's Juan and Steve, Matt giving the thumbs up.

A BIKE SAVED MY LIFE

I was bored and depressed and living in Los Angeles with its smog, half-sun and no rain for months. I was stuck in a dead end job and a lonely apartment with lots of acquaintances but not many friends. I went from 150 pounds to 175. I dreaded getting out of bed every morning. I was addicted to my pain medication after a surgery. I knew I had to change something but I didn’t know what or how. 

One Saturday, as I sat on the couch watching TV, a large box showed up on my doorstep. It was from my Dad. There was a mountain bike inside. It was in a thousand pieces. There were no instructions. I sorta figured out how to put it all back together but with some unknown extra parts. Then I took it to the only trail I knew in the Santa Monica Mountains. It was an 11 mile loop with 900 feet of climbing. I was embarrassed by guys twice my age riding past me as I walked my bike, but I kept going. I was determined to improve. As I walked back to my car I vowed to return and try again. After five tries and three sessions of puking in the bushes I was able to reach the top of Dirt Mulholland without getting off the bike. I felt my life begin to change and it hasn’t stopped since. It may sound trivial to some, but the career goals that I have since achieved and most of the friendships I now cherish are because of the bike. And my Dad and I have become closer than ever because of our shared passion. 

I don’t know if it was a father’s instinct or just good timing, but I’m forever indebted to him for sending that old bike when he did.

That's me in the black jacket and my dad next to me along with my brother Zack and sister-in-law Sonlla.